I know what it means to be sad and forlorn.
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| The fact that I'm wounded won't stop me from trying to fuck you up. |
So many times I find myself on the verge of tears, I don’t
know how to hold it in. I’ve been trying to hold it in for so many years.
It’s not working anymore.
You know, when something or someone hurts you so very
deeply, and you don’t know how to face that, you may have to run to not feeling
any more, to holding onto a safe way of getting through. Focusing on making
things around you pretty, little details, almost the world of a little girl who
doesn’t want to grow up.
But I see now that doesn’t work.
The deep sadness that hides in the dark just keeps coming up
and out. I’m afraid to look it in the eye. I want the sadness
to go away but it won’t. And I should know better but I can’t help myself. So I take it out on
others. Behind their backs I go after them, I hurt their things, I try to take
away their happiness.
WHY is that so unfair? If I am to be denied happiness then
why should others who haven’t suffered like I have, WHY should they get by with their silly shallow
so-called “happiness?” I who really know
misery, I KNOW that all this “spiritual” talk is a sham, that it can’t be,
people are just fooling themselves. I
don’t believe in any of this any more.
It didn’t work for me.
WHY should it work for you?
Let’s face it; all there is, is to survive. Hold onto what
little piece you have. Try not to let your bitterness and disappointment show.
If that means putting on a fake face
once a year, or once a week, and going through the motions, so that THEY can’t
take your little piece from you, if it means pretending you support some lofty
principles you no longer believe in...
It’s still worth it to lie, to pretend, to hang on. It’s all
I have left. My Misery.
I don’t believe this Vitvan stuff. That’s for children. That’s
for others. That’s not for me.
It never happened for me. WHY should I believe it’s
happening for YOU? If you say that, I’ll find a way to drive you out. If you say
“Open up” ......I’ll shout back “ I CAN’T, so go away and leave me alone. Don’t remind
me anymore.”
So to Hell with all of it. To Hell with you.
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| scared little girl behaving very badly |
http://www.sno-answerthequestion.com/
Search engine keywords: School of the Natural Order, SNO, Vitvan, Marj Coffman, Lynne Hoffman, Susan Wetmore, Jane Murray, Pat Murray, Frank Burney, Dan Hathaway, Brian Morrison, Baker Nevada, Home Farm
